Holy crap, it’s been six months since I’ve posted anything. Time flies like it’s nobody’s business!! But, I have a good reason for it.. Dear diary, I have a confession to make: I’ve been cheating on you. It wasn’t intentional, it just happened. You know, one of those things called life got in the way.
For the past six months I’ve had a different outlet for my rants. You should be thankful you’ve been spared!! As you know if you have read my earlier posts, I can be like a broken record about certain things. Anyway, thanks to one of my biggest supporters for listening to me and being there like no other guy has ever been before. I’m not sure if I deserve you 🙂
Now that conveniently brings me to what I’ve been processing for the past few months in my little head. Since I haven’t kept a record of anything here, you might not know, but I have stopped CrossFit (gasp!!), for the time being. Whenever people ask me why I did it, I struggle to find the truthful answer.
*disclaimer, I know all the below goals can be reached through CrossFit, so spare me the lecture, and read on only if you’re interested in my story. Thanks.
I have been telling them that I did it cause I needed a change to get motivated about training again. This is true, but is it the real reason? No.
I have been telling them I want to work on my endurance cause I want to do another half marathon in the fall. This is true, but is it the real reason? No.
I have been telling them I want to work on feeling and looking better, loosing some stupid stubborn fat I hold on to so dearly. This is true, but is it the real reason? No.
Well, I am here today to reveal the real reason why I came to this decision: I might not have what it takes to do CrossFit. There, I said it. Wow, that was tough.. Ok, now that I’m on a roll, let’s go to the why. I’m not sure if I have what it takes to CrossFit for the same reason that I don’t think I can do a lot of things: my very apparent lack of self confidence.
I have a very strong separation of the work Elina and the private Elina. These two people are very different. At work, since I have to prove myself to others, I can easily be confident, or at least fake it if it doesn’t come naturally. The private Elina has brainwashed herself into thinking that she is no good. At anything. And most importantly, there are always people who do everything better.
I’m not an asshole, I do of course celebrate the achievements of my friends and training buddies, but on the inside I am bitter, because I feel like I can never achieve that back squat of 100kg or that deadlift of 120kg or those 200 unbroken DUs or the handstand walk or whatever. Dooming myself to failure as I think this.
As you can see, I have not yet learned one of the most important things in recreational sports: the only thing you should concentrate on is being better than YOU were yesterday.
I however have learned that it’s very difficult to stay motivated in the long run if there are no goals, or tracking of the current progress. Or to be more specific, no attention to the tracking of the current progress, because of course I have been doing that, I just never looked back to where I started..
I’ll take a breather from the heavy stuff and tell you what I have been up to. For the past few months now, I have been training under the supervision of a personal trainer. A very positive, encouraging, beautiful person she is I have to say.
I’ve gone from CF training to running and the regular gym where I do strength stuff to support the running and some CF style metcons. Now, I feel like a traitor just saying that. That’s how much all the stuff I’ve read about CF being the solution to all the world’s problems has affected me. 😉 I however think that if I want a good result on the half marathon, surprise surprise, I do have to run a bit. I have also been minding a bit more what I eat, since lifting weights and cutting corners on the metcons and eating whatever I wanted has left me about 10kg heavier than what I was during my earlier running days. I can tell you that it’s not much fun to run with that. 😀 Don’t get me wrong, a lot of it is very necessary muscle mass which I definitely want to keep, it’s the wobbly stuff I want to get rid of.
Ok, back to the hard stuff.. With this type of training I am able to concentrate mostly on how I am improving (though my supporter runs like a gazelle, so he makes it a bit hard sometimes.. 😀 ) but I’m really not working on the issue itself. Since I workout with my personal program and mostly by myself, there is no risk of anyone in my immediate surrounding of being better than me (apart from the gazelle). I can easily compare my results to see that I am making progress, which obviously is rewarding. I can feel my clothes fitting a bit looser and the reflection on the mirror being a bit more leaner. But I do want to go back to doing CF eventually, and I want to go back in a state of mind where my own individual performance doesn’t suck all the time and where the performance of the others is not related to how I’m doing.
Now, I actually don’t know where to start. How does one go about getting more confident? How do I stop comparing myself to others for good? I have been trying to do this for heaven knows how many years, but I think the only thing I’ve been able to achieve is be a bit proud of my achievements, but at the same time sound all narcissistic about it. So not a win win situation, I must say.. 🙂
I know that in order to be perfectly happy, care free and successful in life, it pays off to have confidence in yourself. It might even be imperative, but I don’t want to think that right now, as I’ll start feeling even worse..
I know it for sure that in order to be successful in sports, you have to believe in yourself, or you won’t get the results you are after. Now it’s up to me to find the way to achieve this. All help, comments, tips, words of encouragement and wisdom are welcome. I know I have a lot of very wise and confident friends out there. I admire you all and celebrate your achievements! Thanks for reading this far. I forgot how good writing things down feels!